My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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