i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
My brain says no but my pants say off.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
