this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
