I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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