Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
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