there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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