I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize