meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
