I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
