So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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