I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
