I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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