I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Randomize
