We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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