Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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