***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
