dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
