I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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