She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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