bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
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