so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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