my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
