I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
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