i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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