I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
