I hope my margaritas pass through security.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
