Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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