I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
