Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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