Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
