ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Randomize
