oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize