I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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