I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
