Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
fuck your aforementioned shoe
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
