I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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