hotel room ftw
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
