put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
