oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
