It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize