i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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