I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
