Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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