she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
