dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize