Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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