my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
