I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
No subtext here. People are naked.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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