Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
