cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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