Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
