the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
