My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
