She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
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