running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
