Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
i was born a porn star she said
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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