the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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