Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
